Fucking hell this day sucked. I wasted quite some muscles not riding bike for 4 months, and it'll take some time to build them up again. Which would be okay if I had the opportunity to come home and crash somewhere and be done with it. But I can't, because the Ducklings need me, and I can't refuse them. And now Owlet is ill, poor thing. So even if that does not put strain on me housekeeping-wise (I'm pretty sure it doesn't), it sure as hell FEELS that way.
No, she does not make feel that way, nor do the Ducklings. I do. I'll tell you more about my default state of thinking about myself, and why it can be different from what you youself are used to. Yeah, a whine is coming in and it's a biggy. You can still go back to Youtube, you know, or twitter something.
Though, to be honest, twittering is probably sadder than me whining about myself.
Okay enough emo-mode. Here's the deal. My default mode of thinking about myself, my self-esteem, if you will, is not very good. I tend to consider myself lazy and uncaring. I know for a fact that the opposite is untrue. I'm a damn good father and husband, not perfect, but much more than adequate. I take pride in that as well. But here's the thing: only when I remember to realize this.
Usually, I don't think about it and I just sort of slide into this numb-negativity-mode where everything is too hard, and nobody has any sense, and I'm a lazy fart. This usually leads to me acting like one too. But around the house, where sweet little Owlet* and the Ducklings live, I can't be like that. So I try to be better. For them. Because it's what you do, for your family. As it turns out, I can't tell when I've done enough when I feel like I'm a sack of shit anyway, so I try to keep busy, yet I don't feel better about it. I just feel worse and worse because I see my evening slipping away. So I end up here, blogging about it and hoping I will finally get it through my thick skull that while not perfect, I'm ALL RIGHT.
*) She's not little, actually. Normal length for a woman. But she's my little Owlet because, well, because. I don't need a reason, I love her.
Awwwwwww..... You're more than allright, otherwise I wouldn't have married you. DUH! :P
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ReplyDeleteNot that it helps, but you are not alone!
ReplyDeleteI recognise a lot in this way of thinking yourself down. Judging by your posts you are pretty smart, and probably really good at it;-)
You just go girl! positive re-enforcement ftw!
Sis
<3
ReplyDeleteIt always looks worse in writing, to be honest. But it's a real issue sometimes. Not because I don't know what to do about it, because I do, but because it keeps coming back, for no reason.
And Sis, ofcourse it helps to know you're not alone. Even the big einzelganger that's me knows that. Thanks.
The real question is, who is this "familie" character that deleted their message?
ReplyDeleteI can haz stalker?
sorry to disappoint you: no stalker, just some nub switching Google accounts.
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