...

Fucking hell this day sucked. I wasted quite some muscles not riding bike for 4 months, and it'll take some time to build them up again. Which would be okay if I had the opportunity to come home and crash somewhere and be done with it. But I can't, because the Ducklings need me, and I can't refuse them. And now Owlet is ill, poor thing. So even if that does not put strain on me housekeeping-wise (I'm pretty sure it doesn't), it sure as hell FEELS that way.

No, she does not make feel that way, nor do the Ducklings. I do. I'll tell you more about my default state of thinking about myself, and why it can be different from what you youself are used to. Yeah, a whine is coming in and it's a biggy. You can still go back to Youtube, you know, or twitter something.

Though, to be honest, twittering is probably sadder than me whining about myself.

Okay enough emo-mode. Here's the deal. My default mode of thinking about myself, my self-esteem, if you will, is not very good. I tend to consider myself lazy and uncaring. I know for a fact that the opposite is untrue. I'm a damn good father and husband, not perfect, but much more than adequate. I take pride in that as well. But here's the thing: only when I remember to realize this.

Usually, I don't think about it and I just sort of slide into this numb-negativity-mode where everything is too hard, and nobody has any sense, and I'm a lazy fart. This usually leads to me acting like one too. But around the house, where sweet little Owlet* and the Ducklings live, I can't be like that. So I try to be better. For them. Because it's what you do, for your family. As it turns out, I can't tell when I've done enough when I feel like I'm a sack of shit anyway, so I try to keep busy, yet I don't feel better about it. I just feel worse and worse because I see my evening slipping away. So I end up here, blogging about it and hoping I will finally get it through my thick skull that while not perfect, I'm ALL RIGHT.

*) She's not little, actually. Normal length for a woman. But she's my little Owlet because, well, because. I don't need a reason, I love her.

I'm not stupid.

I fully realize how futile any weblog is.

I just happen to like ranting.

;-)

No, just no.

No entries for today. Reason? I finally made some good looking characters (okay, women) thanks to these videos. So enjoy, and I'm off for more Oblivion.

Wood Elf

and

Dark Elf