Fucking hell this day sucked. I wasted quite some muscles not riding bike for 4 months, and it'll take some time to build them up again. Which would be okay if I had the opportunity to come home and crash somewhere and be done with it. But I can't, because the Ducklings need me, and I can't refuse them. And now Owlet is ill, poor thing. So even if that does not put strain on me housekeeping-wise (I'm pretty sure it doesn't), it sure as hell FEELS that way.
No, she does not make feel that way, nor do the Ducklings. I do. I'll tell you more about my default state of thinking about myself, and why it can be different from what you youself are used to. Yeah, a whine is coming in and it's a biggy. You can still go back to Youtube, you know, or twitter something.
Though, to be honest, twittering is probably sadder than me whining about myself.
Okay enough emo-mode. Here's the deal. My default mode of thinking about myself, my self-esteem, if you will, is not very good. I tend to consider myself lazy and uncaring. I know for a fact that the opposite is untrue. I'm a damn good father and husband, not perfect, but much more than adequate. I take pride in that as well. But here's the thing: only when I remember to realize this.
Usually, I don't think about it and I just sort of slide into this numb-negativity-mode where everything is too hard, and nobody has any sense, and I'm a lazy fart. This usually leads to me acting like one too. But around the house, where sweet little Owlet* and the Ducklings live, I can't be like that. So I try to be better. For them. Because it's what you do, for your family. As it turns out, I can't tell when I've done enough when I feel like I'm a sack of shit anyway, so I try to keep busy, yet I don't feel better about it. I just feel worse and worse because I see my evening slipping away. So I end up here, blogging about it and hoping I will finally get it through my thick skull that while not perfect, I'm ALL RIGHT.
*) She's not little, actually. Normal length for a woman. But she's my little Owlet because, well, because. I don't need a reason, I love her.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
No, just no.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Morrowind diary part 1
I like the idea of RPG diaries, as long as it's either amusingly sarcastic ( I recall reading a morrowind diary where the writer couldn't stop talking about how all guards looked like Hugh Grant, can't find it anymore unfortunately.) or convincingly Roleplayed. Or both, naturally. In order to give you, my sweet reader, an idea of what I consider convincing roleplay, here are two examples, one of them is not convincing, the other one is.
" 'T is a foul land indeed. The mosquitos are buzzing angrily upon Seyda Neens stale harbor air. I feel unfriendly faces upon me. The locals do not seem to care much for what they call "Outlanders". My pockets are nigh on empty, bar the rags that have to pass for clothing and that ring I stumbled upon. Perhaps I will head on to the tradehouse that the guard mentioned and see if I can get some work there. Right now I would even steal, were it not for my honour code forbidding me to rob these poor peasants."
As opposed to:
" Hi, my name is Shelby and I'm a paladin. Weeelll, sort of anyway. I carry a big sword and I can cast some healing spells. I like to wear a nice mix of heavy and medium plate stuff, mostly for looks. Looks can't kill, but looking like I can kill prevents people from trying to kill me.
I suppose most paladins are bound by some sort of code, which is probably full of commandments like helping the poor and aiding the sick and not being a jerk. I don't really roll with that. Some poor sod needs a hand in a fight, sure, I'll help, and I won't even ask for payment. Just let me loot their corpses afterwards. Evil oppressor bothering ya? Just wait till I get twenty more levels and we'll talk. I like a level playing field, with me slightly above it.
Now that you know that about me, you will understand that the first few days I spent on this forsaken island were filled with gathering cash, gearing up and refining skooma with my buddy Caius...I meant discussing my orders. Skooma is bad, it makes you run fast. Anyway, unlike that turd Jiub, who did nothing back on the boat but hanging around asking for my name, I actually indulged in a fair bit of research. So upon arrival in this hellhole, I knew exactly what to do. Cleared my papers at the Census office and took a strider straight to Balmora*, checking in with skoomafa..Caius and getting a 100 g's on the go. Mages guild next, teleport to Caldera and on to Gorak Manor to get my free Orcish Armor. They keep a tame scamp in there, so you can basically take anything they have lying around cause they won't alert the law anyway. Imperial soldiers are a bitch when it comes to Daedra.
Honour code? Stealing from thieves and demon worshippers sounds fine to ME.
Fun thing, that scamp is rich, sell the armor to him and teleport to Ald'Ruhn. Strider to Maar Gan and into the hills to find some old Dunmer stronghold with a name I keep forgetting. Run around a bit, practise my weapon skills on unsuspecting thieves and rock turkeys, there we are! One dead Ordinator, carrying a full set of Indoril armor. Lug that shit back to Caldera and sell to Creeper, my best friend the scamp. I kep the shirt I found on him, free heals are good.
So that's around 23.000 gold made in half a day. God I'm so pro."
Guess which one I play?
*) AFTER solving the great mystery of the missing tax collector and watching a wood elf dressed like a girl fall from the sky. What an island!
" 'T is a foul land indeed. The mosquitos are buzzing angrily upon Seyda Neens stale harbor air. I feel unfriendly faces upon me. The locals do not seem to care much for what they call "Outlanders". My pockets are nigh on empty, bar the rags that have to pass for clothing and that ring I stumbled upon. Perhaps I will head on to the tradehouse that the guard mentioned and see if I can get some work there. Right now I would even steal, were it not for my honour code forbidding me to rob these poor peasants."
As opposed to:
" Hi, my name is Shelby and I'm a paladin. Weeelll, sort of anyway. I carry a big sword and I can cast some healing spells. I like to wear a nice mix of heavy and medium plate stuff, mostly for looks. Looks can't kill, but looking like I can kill prevents people from trying to kill me.
I suppose most paladins are bound by some sort of code, which is probably full of commandments like helping the poor and aiding the sick and not being a jerk. I don't really roll with that. Some poor sod needs a hand in a fight, sure, I'll help, and I won't even ask for payment. Just let me loot their corpses afterwards. Evil oppressor bothering ya? Just wait till I get twenty more levels and we'll talk. I like a level playing field, with me slightly above it.
Now that you know that about me, you will understand that the first few days I spent on this forsaken island were filled with gathering cash, gearing up and refining skooma with my buddy Caius...I meant discussing my orders. Skooma is bad, it makes you run fast. Anyway, unlike that turd Jiub, who did nothing back on the boat but hanging around asking for my name, I actually indulged in a fair bit of research. So upon arrival in this hellhole, I knew exactly what to do. Cleared my papers at the Census office and took a strider straight to Balmora*, checking in with skoomafa..Caius and getting a 100 g's on the go. Mages guild next, teleport to Caldera and on to Gorak Manor to get my free Orcish Armor. They keep a tame scamp in there, so you can basically take anything they have lying around cause they won't alert the law anyway. Imperial soldiers are a bitch when it comes to Daedra.
Honour code? Stealing from thieves and demon worshippers sounds fine to ME.
Fun thing, that scamp is rich, sell the armor to him and teleport to Ald'Ruhn. Strider to Maar Gan and into the hills to find some old Dunmer stronghold with a name I keep forgetting. Run around a bit, practise my weapon skills on unsuspecting thieves and rock turkeys, there we are! One dead Ordinator, carrying a full set of Indoril armor. Lug that shit back to Caldera and sell to Creeper, my best friend the scamp. I kep the shirt I found on him, free heals are good.
So that's around 23.000 gold made in half a day. God I'm so pro."
Guess which one I play?
*) AFTER solving the great mystery of the missing tax collector and watching a wood elf dressed like a girl fall from the sky. What an island!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Witching Hour
I just finished The Witcher demo, and I'm impressed. Not with the "mature" content, even though it's implemented better than in most mature games. People don't curse because they can, but because they are emotionally inclined to, fair maidens will give it up for coin (because they can), and guards are selfish little powermongers that will ask for a bribe just to not look at you in a funny way (because they can, and because of narrative causality.)
The protagonist makes a pleasant change too, being powerful, well-trained and overall decidedly un-wimpy. He also likes to shag maidens, which is good, because if I were a whitehaired, broad-chested, monster-slaying, contract killing, bounty huntin', gambling, drinking, bad-ass mother-fucker (named Geralt, sup with THAT) I'd demand some pussy to be thrown my way in exchange for liberating the countryside of strange green-glowing Dobermans.
Anyway, I'm going to see when the 360 version comes out, my pc is struggling at mediocre resolutions already and in my experience, retail gameplay is always jerkier than demo gameplay. Too bad, because this gem could fill the WoW-shaped* hole in my gaming heart, if it weren't for one slight snag: Over-The-Shoulder camera. If you've played the game, you will know what I'm talking about. You can choose either that or Diablo-o-vision, and I'll be DAMNED if I click-to-move in an action rpg**.
Over-Yer-Shoulder-Vision works, and it actually takes only a little while to get used to it. I had no real issues with getting stuck behind walls or fences or other local flora, it's just that I've been staring at a character in the middle of my screen for so long now, I have trouble accepting that another good game would want to relocate my avatar to somewhere else.
This can probably only be solved by spending insane amounts of time on The Witcher, I suppose. Sounds good!
* CBH-shape, to be honest. Nothing will ever compare to human females from WoW.
** Click-to-move is to direct movement what Apple computers are to Real Gaming Hardware.
The protagonist makes a pleasant change too, being powerful, well-trained and overall decidedly un-wimpy. He also likes to shag maidens, which is good, because if I were a whitehaired, broad-chested, monster-slaying, contract killing, bounty huntin', gambling, drinking, bad-ass mother-fucker (named Geralt, sup with THAT) I'd demand some pussy to be thrown my way in exchange for liberating the countryside of strange green-glowing Dobermans.
Anyway, I'm going to see when the 360 version comes out, my pc is struggling at mediocre resolutions already and in my experience, retail gameplay is always jerkier than demo gameplay. Too bad, because this gem could fill the WoW-shaped* hole in my gaming heart, if it weren't for one slight snag: Over-The-Shoulder camera. If you've played the game, you will know what I'm talking about. You can choose either that or Diablo-o-vision, and I'll be DAMNED if I click-to-move in an action rpg**.
Over-Yer-Shoulder-Vision works, and it actually takes only a little while to get used to it. I had no real issues with getting stuck behind walls or fences or other local flora, it's just that I've been staring at a character in the middle of my screen for so long now, I have trouble accepting that another good game would want to relocate my avatar to somewhere else.
This can probably only be solved by spending insane amounts of time on The Witcher, I suppose. Sounds good!
* CBH-shape, to be honest. Nothing will ever compare to human females from WoW.
** Click-to-move is to direct movement what Apple computers are to Real Gaming Hardware.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Hear hear, or not
It's like this: Seeing as I usually have music on when I'm on the train, I don't think I'll have a lot of opportunities to record more fascinating train conversations. To be honest, I'm still reeling from the "tan conversation" I overheard recently. I honestly hope never to have to listen to such utter bullshit again.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Relapse
It's a good thing I deleted Warcraft from my HD, because the feelings I described in my last entry are still here. A bit stronger, too. I found myself fantasizing about how great it would be to roll an undead she-warrior (again, rofl) and to do the undead starting area again. Or to log my gorgeous paladin and head into Grizzly Hills, and maybe start some pugs at the end of next week...
Oh dear. It's a realapse!* Yes it feels like it. It makes sense, too. It has been a few weeks since my "victory" over the game, so the memory was bound to rear its ugly head again around now. That's just how the mind works. There's really not much I can do about it. I suppose trying to recreate dutch celebs with the Oblivion character generator and finishing the nipple comic will have to do as far as distractions go.
* as in "real relapse", har har.
Oh dear. It's a realapse!* Yes it feels like it. It makes sense, too. It has been a few weeks since my "victory" over the game, so the memory was bound to rear its ugly head again around now. That's just how the mind works. There's really not much I can do about it. I suppose trying to recreate dutch celebs with the Oblivion character generator and finishing the nipple comic will have to do as far as distractions go.
* as in "real relapse", har har.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Oh look it's WoW-related!
Funny old thing, the human mind. Just when I thought I was completely clear of any desire to get back to WoW, something happened that triggered something else, and now I'm not so sure anymore.
Well, not a 100 per cent sure. But last night, I went to bed at nine pm, and I slept and slept and slept, it was great. I must have slept at least 9 hours, which is a truckload by my standards. I usually hit the sack around midnight, and get up six hours later.
I always figured sleeping more wouldn't matter much, but it does. I felt quite refreshed this morning. In fact, I felt much better about myself. While I had made plans to start cycling to work again, I looked out the window and decided that the train would be much better today, without scolding myself for it. So there I sat, in the train, listening to music that has been on my mp3 for ages now. Instead of cursing myself for not updating the damn thing, I enjoyed my golden oldies and let it be. There was a pizza stain on my pants, and we have a tax audit today. Big deal!
Yeah I feel good.
But, uberpriest and brother in law Aveil came by last sunday, and we talked WoW automatically. A lot. He's in the no.1 guild on the server, and well, they raid three times a week at reasonable times, and, uhm, well. I thought: three times a week ain't much...
NO NO NO and NO. Just no.
Well, not a 100 per cent sure. But last night, I went to bed at nine pm, and I slept and slept and slept, it was great. I must have slept at least 9 hours, which is a truckload by my standards. I usually hit the sack around midnight, and get up six hours later.
I always figured sleeping more wouldn't matter much, but it does. I felt quite refreshed this morning. In fact, I felt much better about myself. While I had made plans to start cycling to work again, I looked out the window and decided that the train would be much better today, without scolding myself for it. So there I sat, in the train, listening to music that has been on my mp3 for ages now. Instead of cursing myself for not updating the damn thing, I enjoyed my golden oldies and let it be. There was a pizza stain on my pants, and we have a tax audit today. Big deal!
Yeah I feel good.
But, uberpriest and brother in law Aveil came by last sunday, and we talked WoW automatically. A lot. He's in the no.1 guild on the server, and well, they raid three times a week at reasonable times, and, uhm, well. I thought: three times a week ain't much...
NO NO NO and NO. Just no.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Hell yeah
The second best thing about working in an office with this small group of people is that there is only one woman. The BEST thing about it is that she's not here today, which means we fellows can ditch our usual lunch and go a-snackin'! TEE MOTHERFUCKING HEE YO!
Seriously, snackday is ossum. I just ordered all the stuff and in an hour or so we'll be sitting down at that table, and the smell of professional frying fat and order-me-by-the-fucking-gallon-mayonaise will be on the air. Lovely. I like snacks.
Seriously, snackday is ossum. I just ordered all the stuff and in an hour or so we'll be sitting down at that table, and the smell of professional frying fat and order-me-by-the-fucking-gallon-mayonaise will be on the air. Lovely. I like snacks.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Outblogging people
Sup dawgs. Blogging is tough!* I 'm sure I got stuff to say, but I feel like I've just been ranting away in any old direction I've felt like after my WoW-cravings ceased. Blogging about getting of the gryphon, or staying on the wagon, or whatever you would want to call it, was fun to do because I knew people were interested in how my rehab would go.
Too bad that it went so well, since I'm not so sure people will want to hear about the rest of my life. Besides, I wasn't planning on getting too personal here anyway. However, instead of being a weakling and giving in to lack of confidence in my own writings, I'm going to pretend everyone is still interested. Yes, I'm going to rant on about games, politics, stupid people on trains (that's 50 years worth of entries right there, people)games, kids, gaming with kids, food and umm, anything really.
I'm going to become a standard blogger! No novelties, no news value, just plain narcisism. Lovely. I feel better already.
* YEA I WENT THERE
Too bad that it went so well, since I'm not so sure people will want to hear about the rest of my life. Besides, I wasn't planning on getting too personal here anyway. However, instead of being a weakling and giving in to lack of confidence in my own writings, I'm going to pretend everyone is still interested. Yes, I'm going to rant on about games, politics, stupid people on trains (that's 50 years worth of entries right there, people)games, kids, gaming with kids, food and umm, anything really.
I'm going to become a standard blogger! No novelties, no news value, just plain narcisism. Lovely. I feel better already.
* YEA I WENT THERE
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Back to the muddiest RPG ever.
Did I trade in one addiction for another? I picked up Morrowind again recently, and damn it's fun. I made about 14k gold the first evening, thanks to all the little exploits I'd remembered. Yesterday I soloed Umbra at level 5, by standing on top of a rock with a crossbow, thousand steel bolts and a truckload of patience.
The patience bit was easy. It took me around ten minutes to take him down. I gues WoiW raiding makes you impervious to time consuming fights. Even in other games. I'd have liked to place a screenshot of my sexy redguard gal, but for some reason Morrowind thinks I should edit my .ini file first, adding some line allowing it to take screens isn the first place.
Bitches don't want to see me editing ini files, that's for sure.
The patience bit was easy. It took me around ten minutes to take him down. I gues WoiW raiding makes you impervious to time consuming fights. Even in other games. I'd have liked to place a screenshot of my sexy redguard gal, but for some reason Morrowind thinks I should edit my .ini file first, adding some line allowing it to take screens isn the first place.
Bitches don't want to see me editing ini files, that's for sure.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Train Conversations 1
I overheard it yesterday on the train...
"So she says she got that tan from her holiday which is just SO not true! She must have tanned up at a studio or like, something, duh!!!"
"YEAH TOTALLY, she must be like, TANorexic, duh."
"Yeah she must be."
"Did you hear me say that? Tanorexic? That's what it's called you know, when you are addicted to sun studios? You know how I know that? It was in the Linda*! Don't you think that's funny? It's also funny that I know that!"
-.- , really.
* Linda is some sort of magazine, like most magazines, it's full of crap and the best part of it are probably the ads.
"So she says she got that tan from her holiday which is just SO not true! She must have tanned up at a studio or like, something, duh!!!"
"YEAH TOTALLY, she must be like, TANorexic, duh."
"Yeah she must be."
"Did you hear me say that? Tanorexic? That's what it's called you know, when you are addicted to sun studios? You know how I know that? It was in the Linda*! Don't you think that's funny? It's also funny that I know that!"
-.- , really.
* Linda is some sort of magazine, like most magazines, it's full of crap and the best part of it are probably the ads.
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